take it for what its worth .....

In some respects
I suspect you've got a respectable side
When pushed and pulled and pressured
You seldom run and hide
But its for someone elses benefit
Not for what you wanna do
Until I realize that you've realized
I'm gonna say these words to you

You don't know what love is
You do as your told
Just as a child at ten might act
But you're far too old
You're not hopeless or helpless
and I hate to sound cold
But you dont know what love is...
You just do as your told

I can see your man
cant help but win
any problems that may arise
but in his mind there can be no sin
if you never criticize
you just keep on repeating
all those empty "I love you's"
until you say you deserve better
I'm gonna lay right into you

You don't know what love is
you just do as your told
just as a child of ten might act
but your far too old
your not hopeless or helpless
and i hate to sound cold
but you don't know what love is
no you don't know what love is
no you don't know what love is

you just do as your told
you do as your told
yeah

b4 i go into my halloween holliday im gonna tell everyone what i learned
when you truely care for someone theres time for them !bottom line! no excuses! .
someone tried to come back into my life and tell me everything they thought i wanted to hear. but in the end none of it was true ..........to sum  it up its like i said theres time for those you care about and im so glad my good friend erin was there to remind me when i was in doubt ...
so this time when i asked them to leave and not come back i was actually ok with it . i guess i only was loving what i thought they were not who they really were...oh well ...live-learn-and  have the good sence to walk away
im still alittle crushed but this time ok with everything being completely done.
enough said

now for the good stuff
what a fuckin holiday it was awesome
i left from jfk friday morning and jeanie left from laguardia airport 10mins after i did. we met up at baggage claim got the car and met kenny and jen who drove 7hrs to party with me!! i love all my friends so much . we picked up zack  off US1 on the way and our first stop was duck key . it was raining and it turns out they ripped out the best part of the hotel i was furious and almost left until i checked the accomodations they gave me at the same price! a mini condo with 2 bed rooms 3 beds 2 floors a big sun deck off every floor overlooking the water 2 bathrooms full kitchen with accessories (blender!! oh yeah)big living room pull out couch tv in every room  . it was raining anyways so we had hit the liquor store had a crazy house party then took pics by the dolphins at night.sooo cool ..... next day saturday was the big parade day . we headed to key west early and the sun came out upon our arrival. huge huge pool ocean front big big bar!!thats when chrissy met up with us and the fantasy fest 6 was in effect! lots of friendly people it was a perfect way to hang b4 the parade that night.! the parade was tooo much fun . fantasy fest is always a blast .alot of people shared there alcohol and beer with us (you can bring your own cooler!)so it was a fun and inexpensive night with amazing friends old and new ! totally crazy followed up by a 5am breakfast at dennys attached to our hotel and waking up to go right back to the pool still drunk from the night before. that night chillin in key largo doing grape bombs and yegar bombs .monday was lounge day at the islander drinking margaritas and alot more grape vodka mmmmm then watching the keys famous sunset at the loralie with a island band playing under a grass hut very awesome.. i left at 3am drove all the way back to miami back on the plane and back to NY ! got in 11am and at work by 5 .
i got to bartend for lizzy borden band and joey belladona from anthrax in my playboy bunny costume and all my friends came down! and in the name of a non stop holliday finally yesterday the actual halloween i started more partying early in the afternoon. lunch at taras .a drive to coopers beac in west hampton (one of the top 10  beachs in the country) then to HARLEM! to see PATTY SMITH & THE BLACK CROWS with matt , matty 0 and nancy. the nameof the place was the palace theatre and it was the absolutly most insainly beautiful church /theatre i have ever seen in my entire life (and i travel!) it was amazingly beautiful both the church and the bands blew me away . i couldnt even take the whole thing in i was so out of my mind in disbelief . with all the good luck going for me who is sitting next to me but dave krieger who i used to hang out with constantly but really kinda lost touch when he moved it was acrazy coincidence and atotally happy one. me and matt got very drunk and really soaked up the atmosphere and music .
talk about an amazing holiday!!! unfortunatly its over . i really havent slept much since friday and i worked tonight with this hang over from the show last night........
time for some rest !!!!
im sleeping wellllllllllllll      past noon
good night all and happy halloween!

IN THE LAST 13 DAYS I HAVE HAD ONE NIGHT OFF! NOT TO MENTION ALL THE WORKING OUT IVE BEEN DOING TO LOSE WIEGHT . I AM TOTALLY STRESSED TIRED AND COMPLETELY OUT OF MY MIND
I HAVE SQUEEZED SOME KIND OF LIFE INTO THIS WORK MARATHON . TUESDAY NIGHT MY ONE NIGHT OFF I WENT TO THE BOWLING ALLEY WITH MATT TO SEE DAWN AND THE GANG AWESOME TIME .AND I HAD SOME BRIEF VISITS WITH FRIENDS DURING THE WEEK B4 WORK . BUT THANK GOT ITS FUCKING OVER!!!
I NEED TO REST IM SOOOOO TIRED.
ILL JUST GET TO THE ACCOMPLISHED PART OF THE WEEK . 1. I HAVE LOST SOME WIEGHT  2. I HAVE CAUGHT UP ON ALOT OF BILLS I NEGLECTED JULY -AUG. CAUSE AS EVERYONE KNOWS I HARDLY WORKED THIS SUMMER EXCEPT FRI /SAT AND SPENT EVERYDAY DRINKING ON THE BEACH AND GETTING A TAN!OR FLYING OFF TO FLORIDA TO HANG WITH KENNY.  IM TOTALLY RELIEVED TO BE CAUGHT UP ON THE BILLS . THANK GOD SOOOOOO MUCH STRESS OFF MY SHOULDERS. 3. I HAVE SPENDING MONEY FOR  MY VACATION IN THE KEYS ! 4. I HAVE RE-ESTABLISHED GOOD STANDING AT MY JOB .ALL PROBLEMS RESOLVED !!!! 
AND THE ABSOLUTE HIGHLIGHT OF THE WEEK!
 I HAD A VERY WHAT I WOULD CALL DISTURBING PHONE CALL FROM A CLOSE FRIEND. IT REALLY THREW ME OFF GUARD BUT I TOOK A VOTE AT PORT JAZZ AND WHAT SEEMED BAD THEY ALL VOTED A POSITIVE SOLUTION TO .  WICH WAS COOL TO KNOW EVERYONE I WORK WITH IS AS WACKED OUT AS I AM . I FEEL MORE COMFY THERE NOW . GOOD WORK TEAM!

AND NUMBER ONE !
I HAD BRUNCH WITH A BUNCH OF MY GIRLY FRIENDS B4 WORK TODAY . I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH!

AND THE DOWN FALL OF THE WEEK :(
1.  I SAW THE REST OF THE GIRLS 2NITE AND DAWN ,DEB AND MARGRET TURNED TO ME AND SAID "YOU DONT HANG OUT ENOUGH" I LOVE ALL THEM SO MUCH  THAT RIGHT THERE  I NEARLY CRIED . IM GOING TO COME UP WITH A SOLUTION TO THIS WHEN I COME BACK FROM THE KEYS. . THIS SUX  ! WILL SOLVE THIS PROBLEM .
2. HELL FROZE OVER TODAY ! MY FRIEND IS OFFICIALLY SO INSAINLY PUSSY WIPPED HE HAD TO CHECK WITH HIS INSAINE GF TO SEE IFIT WAS OK  IF I COME TO HIS OWN HOME TO VISIT HIM FOR HIS BDAY ! KIDDING RIGHT . I TOLD HIM TO 4-GET IT! VERY ANGRY
-----NOTE TO SELF :THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR OF BF/GF RELATIONS IS WHY I DO NOT TAKE DATING ANY FURTHER THAN JUST THAT DATING!  I WONT BE SIGNING UP FOR SOMEONE JUDGING ME OR TRYING TO DICTATE TO ME ANYTIME SOON !  WHEN I FIND SOMEONE WHO IS  SELF SUFFICIENT AND SECURE IN THEMSELFS  TO BE ABOVE THIS STUPIDITY ILL CATER TO THE WORD "RELATIONSHIP" . IN THE MEANTIME ILL JUST SETTLE FOR DATING SOMEONE I CAN AT LEAST TALK TO WITHOUT LOOKING FOR AN EMERGENCY EXIT 10MINS INTO A CONVERSATION . NOT HOLDING BREATH.

PROMISES TO SELF :(NOT IN ANY PARTICULAR ORDER)
1. TAKE SOME TIME OFF (AND STAY IN TOWN FOR A CHANGE) AND HANG WITH THE GIRLS ON THE WEEKEND
2. GO INTO THE CITY DURING THE WEEK TO HAVE DINNER WITH VAL AND CHRIS LIKE I KEEP PROMISING!
3. GET TO BUFFALO AND SEE KTM AND THE TRIPLETS
4. RETURN THE 100 PHONE CALLS I HAVE BLINKING ON THE MACHINE
5 PLAY MORE WITH THE BABBY RABBIT


NOW FOR THE REALLY GOOD NEWS
I HAVE OFF  MONDAY!! WICH AT THIS POINT IS TECHNICALLY 2DAY . I WILL SLEEP LATE . WORK OUT . HANG WITH BIG M WHO I HAVENT SEEN IN A MONTH AND WORK OUT AGAIN  B4 SLEEP . TUESDAY SLEEP LATE PICK UP JAY AND HEAD TO THE CITY FOR MY MUCH ANTICIPATED BLUES SHOW IVE BEEN HOLDING TICKETS TO FOR WEEKS NOW. . I CAN NOT WAIT ITS SOLD OUT AND ITS GONNA BE SOOOOOO MUCH FUN . WED THURSDAY WORK BUT FUN FUN STUFF GOING ON AT THE CLUBS YAY! FRIDAY OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFF TO THE KEYS  ILL BE POOL SIDE B4 NOON . JEANIES PLANE GETS IT 10MINS AFTER MINE AND WERE DRIVING FROM MIAMI TO THE KEYS 2GETHER  GONNA GET ZACK IN ISLMARADA  GO TO DUCK KEY WHERE KENNY JEN AND AMANDA WILL BE WAITING AT THE HOTEL POOL FOR ME . (WITH DRINKS IF THEY KNOW WHATS GOOD FOR EM ) IM GONNA GET A KILLER TAN AND SHOW OFF MY NEW ZEBRA STRIPED BIKINI! SATURDAY NIGHT KILLER PARADE ON DUVAL STREET . GOD ITS GONNA BE FUN FANTASY FEST KEY WEST ROCKS!
SO  ALL THOU IVE BEEN RUNNING A MARATHON OF NON STOP WORK .  END RESULTS ARE VANNNNNNNNNNNNNNTASTIC! 
3AM NOW GONNA WORK OUT AND THEN GO TO SLEEEEEEEEEEEP!

Current Mood: drained

hmmmmmmm
i havent gotten much sleep in the last 2 days im always hyper and naturally wired &at the same time over tired from working 7straight days and ive only had time for 1 meal a day my stomaches hurting but its just too late to be making food now !
anyway around 6am when i stopped typing on this thing and finished my movie i tried to sleep i think i got actual sleep for maybe 2 hrs and not consistantly . so im awake and aware by noon and the phone texts start going off by 1:40 to meet matt in port at 2 for ice cream . i jumped up showered changed and made it to port only 5 mins late (damn im fast). again no sleep half a brain and looking kinda shabby . i spent an hour walking around the piers in port jeff freezing but loving the company and of course the ice  cream and making matt laugh with my constant dilerium from no sleep. i was having fun but had to leave pull my act 2gether again leave at 4pm for work . (feeling way sick from the ice cream my one and only meal 2day)
i have no idea how matt puts up with me but im happy he does . i show up for an hour or 2 make him laugh and run off to work .
bury your dead kicked ass 2nite at the donkey!i was totally impressed .  my friends from port jazz came down and i gave them the vip treatment . free tix and a free long sleeve from the band ... made there night wich makes me happy YAY the show opened at 6 i was done by 11 . no real money in it 2nite (if i wasnt working thou i would of gone and spent money anyways)but i loved all the bands .i  was gonna hit the cafe with singer of bury your dead  who was a totally nice guy but since i got totally hammered on jager thursday and proceeded to go to the cafe and spend every dime i made i figured i go home and actually have money to eat this week !!
its only midnight at this point i m gonna work out for an hour and go to sleep .
ok so finally a boring day.......well almost it was too boring
and as you all know i cant handle that sooooooooooooooo i asked matt if we could take a road tripon sunday  he agreed and of course  i already screwed that up ! would you believe it ! i had no idea today was the 15 th i had no idea what day or date it was at all . i i was convinced i had 2 sundays left b4 florida not 10days . now im stuck working sunday when i was suppose to go up to sleepy hallow for some halloween festivities. i hope i can get out of it but i doubt it . maybe i can convince him to take monday off and go but i bet nothings going on then :(. im gonna go anyway if he agrees .meech says its pretty and ill like it  im gonna search the net ill find something to do . . how can anyone find the patience for such a disaster !
god i suck !
and for anyone trying to reach me on the phone w.out text messaging me from saturday night till now  .sorry i havent answered i havent check my messages either and probably wont till after 4 pm 2mrw . bare with me ............

the anger and frustration of the last few weeks has finally come to pass
thank god i was starting to really lose it
dawn pat and bob are now safe i wont be at the bowling alley freeking out for a while . ill just come down for a drink  like the normal happy go -lucky alcoholic i am :)
not a problem
if i even went into the events of the last 3weeks this journal would never end . so ill just give honorable mention to everything that put me at ease .  i guess we will start with reality . if things do go unfortunate at one of my jobs i think ill just take everyones advice and just get a different one and not stress it. . last week i woke up to the phone ringing and franky and patty trying to reach me to set me up with even more work . to do all the places ive been offered i need awhole new day of the week . so if one door closes i guess there are plenty more that will open .
 justin and i are not arguing anymore thank god! were best friends right and thats that....
 i ve come to terms with everything brians(themessenger) put on the table . my friendships all i offer accept it or move on . im a damn good friend and i got line of people who would swear to that ! if you cant see past our past relationship (ayear later)im sorry and i cant let you punish me for it anymore . ive given you answers closure and everything you asked for . i can give no more .
 Ive started dating again . thats it thou-just dating . i always start off calling my own shots and getting pushed into a full blown relationship when im totally not ready  and hurt in the end . those days are over i wont be pushed anymore . im dating thats it if something more happens it will be on my own terms in my own time .im over the &7NA thing (my girls and close friends know what that means) p.s. im sure my necklace is around ... neck lol
i saw maureen a few weeks ago . i had to give this honorable mention . her mom moved around the corner and she stopped in for a drink on her way home. i love moe she is such a great friend.doesnt matter how much time and distance gets between us . we always talk about all the good times we have had in the last 11yrs like it was yesterday and were always there for each other no matter how much time goes btwn visits . ill be back over for superbowl as always with a bottle of tequilla !
last but not least i was in  a minor car accident a few weeks ago but i talked to damien he reminded me that if i hadnt taken that course driver thingy then i could wait till my insurance goes up take the course and it will drop back down!bravo to damien i ll stop stressing that now
ohhhhhh and cousin pat you were right about the satelite radio thing. if i constantly leave it on the battery will stop taking the charge and willneed to be replaced . you were 100 dollars worth of correct. anyway pep boys took care of the battery and i threw the satelite out the window on my way to work / damn if you werent right bout that one . problem identified and solved !
now for the happy news ..........im going to key west for fantasy fest halloween weekend! jeanie's comingwith me!we havent had a good trip 2gether since new orleans 2003 we need this catch up time! i just wish i could of met up with her in  LA today . but she picked the one sunday monday wed im totally booked in a row!!! i totally would of gone . kenny and jenn are driving down to meet us for halloween ! my favorite bartender(zack)  awaiting my arrival as well and its been a long time since ive seen  him I can t wait . its a party .. still havent picked out my halloween costume i might just wear one of the older ones i have ... not sure yet
more happy news ... this will be my 3rd week back working at da funky phish . i really really love it there . i love all the customers the musicians the friends and especially the co-workers . its more like a party then work . i miss katy thou and i hope she knows this and comes to visit me SOON. Rob as always can make me smile and laugh .  
funky phish outting hosted by me and jay :
The Dana Fuchs Band(sade in across the universe and janis joplin off broadway play love,janis)
October, 23 2007 at Joe’s Pub
425 Lafayette St, New York, New York 10003
everyones welcome! ive seen her a few times in the city in the past and its always an awesome show!
more happy news im going to spain in april to see my grandmother for her 94th bday. i inherited a small some of 2800bux recently (a whole nother stress story in itself)  im using it to see my grandmother  and take meech with me as my translator . helps to have a best friend who can tell me what my familys saying (even if its not good )
Now for the guily part of this blog .1. i havent seen kathy and the triplets in way tooooo long . i havent talked to eiwee sarah or paul on my space or otherwise either . time to get up to buffalo as soon as possible . kathys my best friend i love her . time to go .2. ive been kinda at odds with brian (chotgun)because of his girl friend and thatsbugging me too! i got a free flight from jet blue coming so ill be up to vegas soon for brians bday! im gonna come out during the week when i will only miss a day of work weekends are too hard and he works anyway. his girl will actually have to meet me in person if she is gonna decided she hates me at least meet me first then decide all thats alot of bullshit. im gonna be honest when she meets me she is gonna love me i know this .

Now ill just start with the events past of today! i woke up to the phone ringing . dad forgot his passport and couldnt get on his ship to bermuda i had to rush his passport and his womans up to staples copy and fax it to the ship . no problem in order to do this on time i ran outta here half naked no make up and had not a second to waist so i couldnt brush my teeth . deadlines to meet to get them on the ship .  i had to cancell my lunch date wich was totally disappointing but getting them on the ship top priority. my cell phone ringing off the hook as i drive with one hand and half a brain from working late and hard and getting no sleep the night b4 uggh . i get it done they get on the ship my lunch dates not far and we met up at taras .i didnt stop home first ! i forgot i looked like adisaster till i passed a mirror but i was so delirouse from no sleep i had the couple at the table next to us  laughing i had my date laughing i was laughing so hard i had tears in my eyes and my nose was running how attractive . next time ill just wear my glasses and carry a sign that says GEEK so no one gets confused . Despite all that i got my act 2gether and made it to work at the donkey on time (totally amazing)i must of looked half decent cause i got pulled over the bar by some girl .she was cute so i made out with her any way but didnt get her name lol .. fun fun lol ...note to self STOP DRINKING jagermister . well that was the hi-lite of working 2nite because it was dead and the night never ended or i thougth it wouldnt . for all that effort i made less than a 100 bux and got home at 2am its 4am now im still awake. i m watching the movie studio 54 . the drama of club life lol i guess each has its own story . it take me a year to tell you what happened inthe lousy 8months i worked at webster hall  and a lifetime to tell you bout the 11yrs TODAY! yup today of all the days! ive worked and the shit ive seen . wouldnt trade a minute of it either . funny too cause a rep from jet blue gave me her emailthis week  for a job 11 yrs ago i was on a plane to texas interviewing for american airlines i thought i be working for gus at the village  pub  for a few weeks not 11yrs today ! now the oppertunity to do what i actually originally planned to do in the first place got put back in my hands when i was even looking exactly 11yrs later. wierd .her infos on my desk what to do next hmmmmmmmmm.
2nite i saw two people who ive been thinking about often . i wont say who ill just say it was great to see them talk to them I MISS THEM  and they gave me some great halloween tips . blood manor in manhattan seems like a must b4 i go on my trip . they said it was scary as hell  . im definatly gonna go .
more happy news ive started working out again . its motivating!
ANYWAYS i never have a boring day so i guess as stuff happens ill write about if anyones interested
if not i guess this will be more like dear diary ..ahh dont matter anyways ... stay tuned llllllllor not lol

a few things i forgot 
1. i hate the new weather going on outside . anything under 70 degrees aint for me 
2. because of the weather change im going back into vampire mode i prefer beach bunny summers 
must move to florida adventually
3. im freezing eeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
4. if anyone really is reading this crap clue me in !

Current Mood: crazy

i figure i would start this and invite in a few friends who live out of state or for circumstance beyond our control are out of reach. i will add a few close close friends too if there interested . 
we will see 
hmmmmm
day 1 on live journal . .........
its wednesday work week starts today not off again till next tuesday ..... ........
this past 3 day weekend at meechs woodstock was fuckin amazing and a well needed rest now ill leave for work and go back to reality .
NOTE TO EVERYONE:go see ACROSS THE UNIVERSE and RESIDENT EVIL
good stuff

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: 7d